Before going off to a gathering, meeting, dinner, party, or club, there are some basic things to consider:

Many events are by invitation only. This is usually for two reasons; to help maintain the privacy of the people in the fetish community, and because many venues can only host small numbers of guests. Since the number of people permitted to attend may be limited, don't divulge your invitation to friends in the fetish community, it may cause hurt feelings.

It is customary for the doors of clubs to open at a specific time, and close at a specific time. Pay attention to this window, and be on time- once the doors close, you will be denied entry, even if you have paid in advance for admission. For private parties and events, be on time, but not early... the host has preparations to make, and being early forces them to be social and play host, rather than finish getting things ready. For private gatherings, it is perfectly acceptable (if not polite) to arrive 15-45 minutes after the announced 'start' time.

Leave your camera at home. Keep your cell phone turned off, and in your pocket. Taking pictures is a social taboo in fetish events, and many clubs outright prohibit it. Taking photos of people while they are in a scene can be a distraction, and may cause dangers to people in attendance. Some clubs or private parties may have professional or staff photographers present. If this is the case, it does not mean that you may also take pictures. If you want pictures, ask the photographer where their work will be displayed after the event. If you are concerned about being captured on film (or in a digital image,) contact your host prior to the event to see if a photographer will be present.

Most fetish events do not allow uninvited guests. If your invitation does not specifically say you may bring a guest, than don't bring one. If you have a friend or partner who is interested in the event, and you want to bring them, ask your host well in advance of the event. Don't be upset if they are not welcome- remember, space is often an issue.

Many people in the fetish community have professional lives, and they wish to keep their kinks unknown to the general public. Many fetishists have known nicknames, or only use their first name. Be cautious not to divulge anyone's personal information, including your own. Use nicknames in fetish settings, and don't use them outside of fetish events...

Many events have a dress code, often specified in the invitation. In general, most guests are asked to arrive in suitable street clothing, with any toys and gear stowed in a discrete bag. A changing area is usually available on arrival to change into fetish wear. If unsure, it's always a good idea to check with your host in advance of the event.

A very simple rule of life is "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The same holds true of the fetish community. Regardless of your role in the BDSM community, your position as a dominant or submissive does not entitle you to forget the rules of society, or to abandon common courtesies. For example, if I met someone I thought was attractive in a generic social setting, I would never walk up to them and say "on your knees, bitch." At a BDSM gathering, club, website, etcetera, the same should hold true. We do not live in a fantasy; even at BDSM gatherings, websites, and clubs, the person's sexual identity as a Dom/sub does not negate the rest of the person's identity.

Try starting a conversation the same way you would if you were meeting someone for the first time at a shopping centre or at work. Try something like, "Hello, my name is Chris," and perhaps some small talk. For me, personally, I am a gear junky, so I often approach people wearing things I want; "Hello, my name is Taier. I couldn't help but notice your boots. Do you mind if I ask where you got them?"

A collar does not a submissive make. Many of society's sub cultures, (goths, emos, punks,) wear collars for fashions' sake, and may or may not have anything to do with being submissive. Similarly, some dominants wear dress collars as part of their outfit.

Even if they are submissive, not every submissive is seeking a new Dom, nor is every Dom seeking a new or additional subs... Some people wear items which might suggest that they are into a particular fetish out in public without knowing the meaning to the fetish community. Unless the symbol is unquestionable, (like a BDSM flag necklace or Leather Pride patch,) don't assume they ware into something. For example, a rubber bracelet does not a rubber fetishist make... Leather pants do not mean the wearer is a leather fetishist... You get the point.

Also, never assume sexual orientations. Straight men go to gay clubs, gay men go to straight clubs, and fetish clubs have a mix. Don't assume the person you are speaking to is straight, gay, or bi. Similarly, don't castigate someone for guessing your sexuality wrong--and don't be intimidated. Be flattered they found you attractive, and politely clarify your sexuality.

Finally, be respectful of people with kinks different than your own! Everyone has the right to practice the kink that makes them happy, as long as they play safely, and consensually. You may not agree with someone's style of dominance, or the level of a bottom's submission. You may even be repulsed by someone into watersports or bloodplay; but it is not your place to comment or judge. Remember, your kink is repulsive to someone. Don't be disrespectful of what someone else enjoys.

Every group, community, club, and culture has it's own rules about approaching other people. Whether it's a submissive, a dom, or a couple, there are courtesies about introductions in a culture where people are perceived to be subordinate to another. This can be particularly difficult, since it's not always easy to tell who is a dominant and who is a submissive, as well as whom is partnered with whom.

The correct protocol is to approach the dominant of a couple (or group, depending on the dynamics of the partnership,) and introduce yourself to the top first. Then, ask the dominant to be introduced to their sub. If you make a mistake and approach the sub, they may direct you to their Dom. Even if they don't, approach the Dom, explain your ignorance of the situation, and apologize.

This process is the most courteous way to glean introductions, however, it is not a rigid or strict rule. It is strict, however, when seeking to play with someone or have a scene with someone who is partnered with another person.

Whether an experienced fetishist, or just starting out, don't let these rules supercede your common sense. Many singles attend fetish events, and many are desperate to be asked to play. It takes a lot of nerve for a first encounter, and if approached by someone interested- experienced or new to the scene, be polite and understanding. At the same time, be cognisant of your approach-- don't interrupt a scene. (A scene doesn't end just because the toys are set down, or the sub is released from bonds... Give the players time to relax, regain composure, cuddle, clean up the play area, and come back to reality before approaching them. It's best to wait until they are in the 'social area' first.)

Gender identification is sometimes confusing for the inexperienced. As a rule of thumb, it is considered correct form to address a drag queen as "she". It is considered bad form to disparage a mane dressed as a female, no matter how poorly they pass as a female. Conversely, some butch women prefer to be addressed as men, and to be referred to with male pronouns. Others, however, do not. When meeting a butch woman for the first time, the best course of action is to ask "How do you prefer to be addressed?". Never refer to a gender-queer individual as "it".

A- Borders and spaces
At most fetish clubs and gatherings are separated into 'spaces'. Typically, there is one for eating and socializing, and one for play and scenes. There is also sometimes one for quiet relaxation. Know which is which, and respect the borders of the space. Don't play or have a scene in the social area. Don't interrupt someone's play or scene in the play space to try and socialize...

Clubs, parties, and gatherings are often split into "social" and "play" areas to keep the noise to a minimum in play areas. NEVER laugh in a play area. While you may be laughing at a joke someone just told, a nervous Dom or sub may think you are laughing at their scene, which can be devastating. Similarly, players may have gotten themselves into a specific headspace to help them focus through a difficult scene, but your laughter may distract them, with dangerous results. Everyone makes mistakes in this area, even the most experienced, but remember to keep quiet in play areas. If asked to leave the play area, apologize, and leave quickly and quietly.

Another common problem is the loud sub. The moaners, screamers, shouters, and otherwise vocal bottoms of the world often serve as a distraction to other players. If you know you're a loud player, don't play-- or bring a gag, and use it.

B- Personal space
Everyone needs their personal space... in some clubs, it's loud, and it's necessary to lean in or stand close to hear each other in communication-- but respect the rules of personal space. Remember that people who are new to the fetish, the club, group, or website will need a bit more space to get comfortable with the environment, the people, and the situation.

While watching a scene is a great way to learn, give the players the space they need to play without interference. Each scene you walk by requires a different amount of space; a Dom wielding a whip will need a broad range, while someone doing piercing play needs to know they don't have to worry about someone bumping into them while they are holding a needle. If you don't pay attention, you might get injured- or injure someone else.

C- Forms of address
Even if someone is wearing a shirt that says "dominant" across it, it's impolite to address them as "Master/Mistress" or "Sir". On the opposite side of the spectrum, it is rude to call a submissive "slave", "boy", "girl", or any other title of subordination. If the person you are about to address is not your established play partner, no role title or form of address is acceptable. Remember, the relationship between a Dom and a sub is built on trust, respect, and is not immediate. Unless you have earned a role as a Dom or sub with the person you are taking to, it's outright rude to address them with a title that implies otherwise.

D- When teaching or educating
You may be very knowledgable about an aspect of fetish play, but unless you are the host of a gathering. or your opinion has been sought, keep it to yourself. Stopping a scene to give a lesson or advise is absolutely bad etiquette; it not only unnerves the top (not to mention embarrassing them) but also destroys the scene for both partners. If you see something you consider dangerous, inform the host. If you can offer constructive criticism or advice, do so after the scene, in private, and only if you know your input is wanted.

A scene usually consists of two people: a top and a bottom. Sometimes, it may involve multiple people- but only because those people all trust one another, and agreed to play together. If the play is in a public play space, you can watch, but do NOT touch or join in unless you have been asked. Fetish play is consensual. If all of the people in the scene do not agree that they want you involved, you have no place as anything but an observer. If you attempt to get involved in a scene without consent of everyone involved, you may be forced to leave, or worse, prosecuted.

Outside of scenes, this rule applies as well. Touching a person without consent can range in results from offensive to traumatic. (Not to mention that it can be considered 'assault', even if done with innocent intention.) In the fetish world, this applies to belongings, gear, and clothing as well. A fetishist is very close and attached to their gear and clothing; touching a leather jacket or latex chaps to a fetishist is no different than touching their bare skin. Never touch someone else's toys, equipment, gear, clothing, or property. If you want to see something more closely, ask for permission-- some people may be gracious... but don't be offended if they say no- that item may be an intimate article to them.

It doesn't matter if it's a person's collar, a collar on a person, or a person wearing a collar. Keep your hands to yourself.

Most fetish clubs and gatherings have rules about what is allowed. Sometimes as simple as "no penetration", and sometimes complicated lists, it's important to know and comply with the rules of the house. These rules are often in place to comply with local or regional laws. Many laws exist regarding full nudity, penetration, fire play, and anything involving blood. Breaking the rules not only puts your host at risk, but can be a liability to yourself as well.

Be responsible. Smoke only in designated areas. Keep illegal drugs at home- you can get your host arrested or the club shut down. If nothing else, you'll never be invited back. When playing as a guest in someone's home, a group's dungeon, or a club, be safe, sober, and responsible.

When using a play area at a gathering or club, be aware and courteous of others. There is rarely, if ever, enough equipment for everyone to play at the same time. Don't hog a piece of equipment; yield the sling or cross after 20-30 minutes. Even if the rules don't include a time limit, set one yourself.

Leave the space as you found it. Sometimes this means planning ahead; if you enjoy wax play or bloodplay, be sure to put down a drop cloth or cover the equipment in plastic wrap so you don't get wax or blood on the equipment. Remember that fetishes are a physical activity... people sweat, get wet, and cum. Wipe off the equipment after you've finished your scene. If you have a bag or kit of toys and gear, keep some alcohol or disinfecting wipes in there. These will typically be available supplied by the host, but if you don't have your own, and none are provided, ask the host for some. Collect your toys, gear, and belongings, and take them away from the play area after your scene has ended.

When invited to a private party, social gathering, or group event, remember to be a good guest. While this obviously includes such things as cleaning up after yourself, disposing of your dirty drink ware or plates accordingly, it also means being respectful and helpful to your host.

If you are asked to arrive early, be prepared to work! Show up when asked, and do what is asked. Pre-event time is not a good time to socialize with your host or others helping to setup. You can socialize, but do so while working.

After the event is over, someone has a messy house to take care of. Whether you are a Dom or sub is irrelevant at this point-- offer to help! Your host will certainly appreciate your assistance.

As you leave the event, remember that your host(s) have gone through a lot of trouble and effort, and probably expense. Be sure to offer your sincere thanks for being asked to attend. If the host is in a scene while leaving, offer thanks to the person hosting in their absence-- and consider sending a follow up email or written letter to your host to extend your thanks in person.

If there are 'newbies', don't hesitate to introduce yourself. Even if you are new yourself, joining a group or exploring one's fetish for the first time can be a difficult process-- making connections and friendships early on with other like-minded people always helps. Whether you are experienced, or just starting out, always be willing to befriend a newbie.

Remember: Having a conversation with someone one-to-one at a club, gathering, or online is a very different situation from seeing them in a public setting afterwards, or with people you don't know. Outside of the fetish culture, the mainstream is not very open-minded, and every fetishist needs to keep their kinks a secret to some degree. If you see someone in public who you know to be involved in a fetish, it is not acceptable to approach them in conversation about the fetish--especially if they are with other people!

I have a perfect example of a good and bad situation. I was having lunch with my boss at a local eatery one summer afternoon. We chose a table outside, near the sidewalk. The waiter who came to take our order was someone who I recognized from a fetish group, and he recognized me... The conversation went like this: