ace & aro
Some people feel little or no sexual attraction. Some feel little or no romantic attraction. Some feel it only now and then, or only after a deep bond. These are the asexual and aromantic spectrums, and plenty of the people on them are kinky, leathered up and part of queer spaces. If that's you, you belong here.
General information, not medical or mental health advice; see our legal policies. Only you get to name your identity, and it's fine if the words change over time.
the spectrums
"Ace" and "aro" are umbrella words. Each covers many experiences, and you can be gay, bi, pan or queer as well.
asexual
Feeling little or no sexual attraction to anyone. It's about attraction, not behaviour, and it isn't the same as celibacy, which is a choice.
graysexual
Feeling sexual attraction rarely, faintly or only in some situations. Also called gray-ace.
demisexual
Feeling sexual attraction only after a strong emotional bond has formed with someone.
aromantic
Feeling little or no romantic attraction. Aro people may still want deep friendships, partners, sex or kink.
grayromantic & demiromantic
The romantic versions of graysexual and demisexual: romantic attraction that's rare, faint or needs a bond first.
and more
Words like aceflux, aroflux and cupioromantic describe other patterns. Use whatever fits, or no label at all.
Our dictionary has more on sexual orientations.
the split attraction model
The split attraction model treats different kinds of attraction as separate. Someone might be asexual and homoromantic, falling in love with men but not wanting sex. Someone else might be gay and aromantic, enjoying sex with men without romance.
Some people also separate out sensual attraction (touch and closeness), aesthetic attraction (appreciating how someone looks) and, for many kinky people, the pull towards power exchange or sensation. It's one useful tool. Some people find it fits them perfectly, and others don't use it at all. Both are fine.
sex, kink & ace people
Asexuality is about attraction, not about what you do. Some ace people enjoy sex, some are neutral about it, and some don't want it at all. All of those are valid, and none of them makes you "not really ace".
Kink without sex is common and valid. Lots of people, ace or not, play without any sex at all. For many, kink is about:
- power exchange and service
- bondage and rope
- sensation, impact or pain
- headspace and trust
- gear, leather, rubber and uniform
- protocol, ritual and belonging
Arousal and attraction aren't the same thing either. Your body can respond without you feeling attracted to anyone, and that's normal.
negotiating as an ace or aro person
Many people at a play party or in a leather bar assume sex is on the table. Saying so up front saves confusion. Our negotiation & limits checklist helps you mark sex as a hard limit, a maybe or something only for some partners.
"I'm ace, and I'd love to play, but sex isn't part of it for me. Is that okay with you?"
"I'm happy to be touched here, but genital contact is off the table."
"I'm aro, so I'm after play and friendship, not romance. I want to be upfront about that."
Anyone who argues, sulks or tries to talk you into more isn't someone to play with. Our red flags list covers what to watch for.
relationships
- Mixed relationships between ace and allosexual people (people who feel sexual attraction) can work well with honest talk about needs. Some couples agree that one partner meets sexual needs elsewhere. Our kink with a partner page covers open arrangements.
- Queerplatonic partners share a committed bond that isn't romantic in the usual sense. It may include living together, raising pets or kids, or a D/s dynamic.
- Power exchange can be a relationship in its own right. Plenty of owners, Masters, boys and pups have dynamics with no sex or romance at all.
- You don't owe anyone a relationship type. Friendship is not a lesser bond.
gay & kink spaces
Gay spaces can be very focused on sex, and that can make ace and aro people feel invisible. You still have every right to be there. Leather has always been about community, brotherhood, gear and service as much as sex.
- Munches, leather clubs and gear socials are often more about people than hookups. See meeting people safely.
- A hanky or a clear profile can signal what you're into, and what you're not.
- If you're struggling with feeling broken or out of place, our shame & mental health page may help. You're not broken.
community
- AVENThe Asexual Visibility and Education Network, formed in 2002. It has an information library on asexuality and a large community forum, and it welcomes the perspectives of sexual people too.
- AUREAThe Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy, with an FAQ, a glossary, research, printable materials and links to in-person groups.
- Ace WeekAn international awareness campaign each year in late October, run by Asexual Outreach, with events from ace groups around the world and a resources section.
europe
- AktivistA (Germany)A German association for asexual, aromantic and other a-spectrum people, with a German-language conference, a blog and educational materials.
Our finding community page has more ways to meet people who get it.
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