questioning & coming out
Wondering about your sexuality or gender can feel exciting, scary, or both at once. You don't have to have it all worked out, and you never owe anyone an announcement. This page is about questioning at your own pace, coming out safely if you decide to, and looking after yourself whatever happens.
General information for adults, not legal or mental health advice; see our legal policies. If you're under 18, please see our under 18 page instead.
questioning
- Don't rush to a label. You can notice who you're drawn to, and how you feel about your gender, without deciding what it means yet.
- Things can shift. Attraction and identity can change over a lifetime. That doesn't make your earlier feelings fake, and it doesn't make your current ones a phase.
- Labels are tools. Use the ones that help you find your people and explain yourself. Drop the ones that don't fit. Our dictionaries of orientations and genders are a good place to browse.
- There's no test. You don't need a certain amount of experience to know you're gay, bi, queer, trans, ace or anything else.
your choice, your timing
Coming out isn't one big moment. Most people do it again and again, with new friends, new jobs and new doctors. You get to decide who knows, when, and how much. Being out to some people and not others is completely normal.
safety first
Before you tell someone who has power over your life, think through what could happen if they react badly.
- Do you depend on them for money, housing or a visa?
- Do you have somewhere else to stay if you need it?
- Do you have some savings, and access to your own bank account?
- Have you got your ID and important papers somewhere safe?
- Is there one supportive person you can call afterwards?
- Are your phone, email and social accounts private?
In some countries, being LGBTQIA+ is dangerous
Same-sex relationships and gender diversity are still criminalised or heavily punished in parts of the world. If that applies where you live or travel, take extra care about who you tell and what you put online. Our your rights page has more.
who to tell, and how
friends
Many people start with one friend they trust. It's good practice, and it gives you someone in your corner for the harder conversations.
family
Pick a calm, private moment, not a holiday dinner. Give them time. A first reaction is often not their last one.
work
Check your workplace policies and how others have been treated first. You can be as private as you like at work.
doctors
Telling a doctor about your identity and the sex you have helps them offer the right tests and care. See sexual health.
A few ways to start, if you're stuck for words:
"There's something important I want to share with you, because I trust you. I'm gay. I'm still the same person, and I hope we can talk about it."
"I've been figuring some things out about my gender. I'd like you to call me Sam and use he and him. It would mean a lot to me."
"I don't need you to say anything right now. I just wanted you to know, and I'm happy to answer questions later."
not now, or not ever
Choosing not to come out, or not yet, is a valid decision. It can be about safety, culture, family or simply privacy. It doesn't make you less real, less brave or less part of the community. You can still learn, connect online, and find spaces where you can be yourself.
if it goes badly
- It isn't your fault. Someone else's reaction is about them, not about your worth.
- Lean on chosen family. Friends and community often become the people who show up for us. Our finding community page can help you find them.
- Get help if you're unsafe. If you lose your home or feel at risk, our LGBTQIA+ support lines can point you to local services.
- Give it time. Some families come round over months or years. Our family & faith page talks about that road.
coming out about kink
Telling people about your sexuality and telling them about your kink are two different things. Most people never share their kinks beyond partners and friends in the scene, and that's fine. If you want to tell a partner, our kink with a partner page has ideas. If shame is getting in the way, see shame & mental health.
where to get support
Support groups exist in many countries. Wherever you are, our LGBTQIA+ support lines list covers 110 countries. Some national groups, by region:
europe
- StonewallA UK LGBTQ+ charity with information, a glossary of terms, and pointers to support services.
- FELGTBI+ (Spain)A federation of more than 50 LGTBI+ groups across Spain, with an orientation line, the Línea Arcoíris.
- COC Nederland (Netherlands)A Dutch LGBTQ+ federation founded in 1946, with regional COC groups around the country.
north america
- PFLAGA US organisation supporting LGBTQ+ people and their families, with local chapters and online meetings. It's a good place to point a parent who wants to understand.
- pflag CanadaPeer support, education and local chapters for 2SLGBTQIA+ people and their families across Canada.
oceania
- QLife (Australia)Free, anonymous LGBTIQ+ peer support and referrals by phone and webchat.
- OutLine Aotearoa (New Zealand)A free, confidential, all-ages rainbow support line by phone and online chat, for people who are questioning too.
africa & the middle east
Many countries in these regions criminalise same-sex relations, so we don't list local groups. Check the law with ILGA World. If you're in danger, you can ask Rainbow Railroad for help. Our support & crisis lines page lists local crisis lines in 110 countries.
If you're under 25, The Trevor Project offers 24/7 crisis support for LGBTQ+ young people by phone, text and chat, and It Gets Better shares stories from LGBTQ+ people around the world. In Chile, Fundación Todo Mejora, the Chilean It Gets Better affiliate, runs Hora Segura, an online line for LGBTQIA+ young people.
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