Through this guide, I’m going to be extremely candid and honest with you, which means sharing my opinion. This is done in the interest of trying to be educational from an experienced point of view. Keep in mind that BDSM relationships are very flexible, and what doesn’t work for one person, might work for another. However, there are things through the BDSM community that are considered baseline standards, and absolutely SHOULD be standard, and absolutely SHOULD be mandatory.
I’m not going to cover types of D/s M/s relationships here, because that is a complex subject all unto itself, and probably deserves it's own article. This guide is just going to be about terminology, what should and shouldn’t be, what needs to be, and basic safety.
If you’re going to take part in anything BDSM related, you need to know yourself, and you need to know your partner. If you’re looking to get into the community, but you haven’t had any experience, before jumping into an ownership, I suggest you try to find some munches in your community. Not play parties, munches.
A munch is just a gathering, where people interested in a specific area of the sexual space get together, chat, and eat. They’re usually hosted in public places, so that newcomers feel at ease. So find yourself a publicly hosted munch, and get yourself out there talking to people.
BDSM | Bondage/Discipline. Dominance/Submission. Sadism/Masochism.
When it comes to BDSM, everything is really pick and choose - you do not have to be interested in the B/D or the S/M to want to partake in the D/s aspects. You don’t have to enjoy being tied up, to want to be owned. You don’t have to enjoy being whipped, to enjoy being owned. People have such a misconception; oh like being whipped and handcuffed? Nope, that’s on you and your partner. If you’re not interested in being tied up, make it a limit.
You do not have to do anything you are not comfortable doing. Period.
SSC | Safe Sane Consensual
Kind of an obvious practice within the BDSM community - but, you will meet people that say they don’t practice this. Don’t. Don’t say it’s not needed, because it is. Without SSC, you’re just in an abusive relationship. While not everything in BDSM is safe (knife play, edge play, breath play for instance) it needs to have a level of safety; which just means you know how to practice this safely. It’s the difference between skydiving, with and without lessons.
RACK | Risk Aware Consensual Kink
Similar to SSC, but more about awareness of the risks, this too is absolutely needed. This one is pretty simple to understand - and while it’s not needed for things as simple as missionary sex, if you’re going to be playing with something dangerous, such as breath play, RACK means you and your partner have talked about the risks of the play, you’re both aware of the potential harms, and you’re both interested in exploring the kink regardless.
If one party says never mind - it is no longer consensual! If your Dominant forces you to explore this kink without your consent. It is rape; and you’re not in a safe environment, or relationship.
PRICK | Personal Risk Informed, Consensual Kink
I feel very strongly that this is one of the most important components of the scene, and part of the reason I am workign on building resources out on this website-- to help educate.
Personal Risk Informed means that you, (regardless of your D/s role) have been smart enough to look up the risks of whatever play you’re getting into, and understand the risks, (physical, mental, psychological, and other) of the play you may be about to embark upon.
When it comes to play or sex, I have a very strong mantra: if you don’t understand it, don’t do it.
In the past, I have had subs want me to experiment with flogging, blood play, breath play, and other things without knowing much about it, which immediately puts it on the "no fucking way" list for me. Do your research. Know the details of the play, and the risks.
TPE | Total Power Exchange
This is a term used mostly between a Master/Mistress and their slave. It means what it says - total power exchange. A M/s relationship is usually a lot different than D/s relationships, because slaves (most, not all) choose to forgo essentially any rights. They become the property of their Master/Mistress, and no longer own themselves. While it seems harsh, it’s what they choose, because it’s what makes them happy. I’m not going to delve too deep into TPE, because as a Dom/Top, I have not been interested in this kind of dynamic, and my experience is limited.
(If you have experience with TPE, and would like to write an article about this for the site, please contact me.)
CNC | Consensual Non-Consent
I am opposed to this, simply because it is risky, and it’s serious. CNC is what it says, consensual non-consent; you’re literally forking over your ability to say no. There are CNC relationships, and CNC scenes.
With a CNC relationship, the Dominant and the submissive agree on the terms of their relationship before the start of it. Usually in contract form, (or at least there should be a written contract to spell out the rules.) When you’re giving up your rights to say no to someone, it’s important that your circumstances are written out in contract form. Because, while your relationship is CNC - which means your Dom/me can essentially do what they fucking want, you need to have terms that are… “Enough is enough”. CNC relationships as a whole are usually pretty frowned upon, because abuse can happen real easily. Generally it’s more of a M/s thing, which I’m not personally into, but I do know my fair share about.
CNC scenes are a little more acceptable within the BDSM community, because there is a start, and a finish. It’s usually planned out beforehand, which makes up for the CONSENSUAL part. PRICK/RACK is really pertinent to a CNC scene. CNC is fairly dangerous either way, especially if you’re with someone new, or someone that you’re not EXTREMELY comfortable with. A LOT of people refer to rape play as CNC - but they’re two VERY different things, and they need to stay that way.
Contract
Have a contract. It doesn’t need to be extensive, but it should exist. Some choose to forgo a contract, because they believe communication and relationships do not need to be on paper. But, a contract is a critical piece of the scene. A lot of BDSM acts are actually illegal, and considered abuse. Having a legally binding contract, showing what you’ve agreed to - and what your partner has agreed to, which can really help against any legal issues. Or, if your partner abuses the contract, it can help put them behind bars where they deserve to be.
A contract should outline the terms of the relationship, and it needs to have the submissive's safe words (- words, plural-), safe signs, and hard limits. This contract should not be broken, ever. Not in the slightest.
The contract should be revised by all parties in the relationship every so often, in case safe words change, or limits expand. (My partner and I do this monthly.) It needs to be revised. But then again I’m big on sitting down every once and a while with your partner and talking over the workings of your relationship; what could be improved, what is perfect as is, what they want to see eliminated, and what might be nice to add.
Limits
Limits. Are. The. Most. Important. Thing. I'll say that again: Limits are the most important thing in ANY relationship, and especially in a BDSM relationship! If someone says they have “no limits", they are not informed or educated, and have not met the PRICK criteria. Please help educate them, and help them understand how dangerous that is. There are things in the kink-verse that aren’t safe, at all. Make sure the submissive understands they need to have limits, even if it’s as basic as “no children" or “no drugs" - because there ARE people that will take advantage of a “no limits" contract - even if that means breaking the law, or doing extreme harm to the individual.
Limits are so basic, but so important. If you’re not sure about limits, talk to your Dom. There are basic things you should understand. Find a list of kinks - whatever makes you feel really uncomfortable reading about should probably be on your limits list. There is a difference between hard limits and soft limits, though, and you should have a list of both.
Hard Limits
A hard limit is a limit that is absolutely untouchable. As an example, one of my partner's hard limits is blood play. With a partner I trust, I enjoy bloodplay, and find it extremely intimate, but my partner has a fear of being cut, and for them, it wouldn't be enjoyable whatsoever. As a respectful Dom, I would never try and force them into blood play - despite the fact I enjoy it. I wouldn’t ever bring it up, because that’s something they don’t want. The only time a hard limit can be pressed is if the submissive brings it up, and asks to try. Otherwise, it’s your duty as a Dominant, and a human being, to respect your sub's wishes. That is your entire job as a Dom.
Soft Limits
Soft limits are pliable. One of my partner's soft limits is breath play, because they need to be in the right headspace for it. As a soft limit, it means they don't want to jump into it, but if I am in the mood, I am allowed to push gently. I respect their safe words while exploring it., and if they asked me to stop, I stop immediately. They have grown to enjoy it more, though a lot of times though, soft limits can become hard limits, because they’re not enjoyable to the submissive.
Respect it.
Safe Words / Safe Actions
These are critical and foundational to any relationship, even more so than limits. A safe word is something other than no - that means stop; because sometimes, no isn’t… no. And having your submissive in tears might make you want to stop, but not all tears are bad. This is why safe words exist. Sometimes no is just play; and if you keep stopping to check, the scene is going to fall apart.
I suggest having three safe words. This is to be discussed between the submissive and the Dominant clearly. My partner and I use the traffic light method, but if you choose to use other safewords, I suggest three. One safe word for stop. One safe word for slow down / I need a break. A third safe word for I’m uncomfortable. For anyone, it is important to know when enough is enough, when you just need a breather, or if you just need a hug, to readjust, and get back to it.
Safe actions are the same, but at a minimum, you need at least one that says: I need to speak. A safe action is a scene pause, so I can pull out your gag, or whatever is making you silent, and you can tell me what you need; be it just a sip of water, or a full stop. A common safe action is touching your thumb to your index finger like a pincer. If you don’t have your hands available to you, bringing a knee to your chest is also a common sign.
If you’re fully restrained, with no voice and no body movements available, your Dominant needs to be the responsible one and stop every so often to make sure you’re alright with the scene.
Pre-play
Too many people skip this, and fuck you if you do. If you’re just having sex, I suppose you don’t need it, (but just like sex is better with some discussion and foreplay, so is a scene!) If you’re playing with the whips and paddles, however, please-- for the love of your partner, sit down and talk to your submissive before you do it. They need to know what is going to happen. If you want it to be a surprise, that’s okay too, but before any major session, you need to make sure you’re both up to date with safe words, limits, and make sure your submissive is in the mental state to handle any serious play.
Make sure you talk about anything that needs to be talked about - make sure all three: SSC / RACK / PRICK are in play. Make sure they’re not in the wrong mindset to endure whatever you’re going to give them. This is just as important as limits - KNOW your submissive.
After play meetings
Not mandatory, but it’s something I highly recommend. After just plan vanilla sex, you don’t need to sit down and talk about it, (though if you want to both enjoy it more next time, talking about what worked and what didn't is a good idea!) But, if you and your partner are doing something new; electrical play for instance, you do need to sit down and talk about how it went. Was it good, do you want to try more? Was it bad, should we add that to limits? The key to ANY relationship is communication, especially in BDSM.
Aftercare
This is different for everyone, but it’s mandatory for my scenes. You, as a submissive, might not want aftercare, you might just want to be left alone after a rough scene, but as a Dominant, you need to KNOW what your submissive wants.
Let's say the scene was a rough one. Flogging and electro. Skin red and welted, body drenched in sweat, breath fast. The skin is now sensitive. As a dom, you need to know what your submissive needs now that the scene is over. Aftercare is where you should be softer, and gentle. This is not your choice, this is your submissive's. If they need ice cream and a Disney movie, that’s happens. If they need you to hold them while they cry, that’s what you do. The final is, if they need it, you do it.
There is so much more...
This isn’t even the tip of the BDSM iceberg. There are different types of relationships, the different types of play, the risks and dangers of different kinks. I will, eventually, get as much of that content up here as well.
My writing is from a Dominant perspective, so if you’re reading this as a submissive, my best advise is: stand up for yourself. If your Dominant is abusing your safe words and limits, if you feel like the relationship is more give then take on your part, if you’re uncomfortable, if you feel like you’re being abused-- YOU ARE. Address it. If you’re in a dangerous situation, if your Dominant SCARES you - get the fuck out of there. “I am your Master” is never an excuse for abuse.
As a submissive you are the one with the power. Without you, a Dominant has nothing - you can take the power away as easily as you give it. You hold the cards, you are giving your entire being; and if you’re not shown respect, then your submission is not deserved.
As a submissive, you do not have to bow down to anyone. If someone walks up to you, and says on your knees, little one - you don’t have to listen. You are submissive, you are not a fucking toy. You are submissive to the one you CHOOSE to submit to.
No one has power over you. Unless you give it.
