Before participating in any bdsm related activity its important to establish rules with your partner(s). Everyone has a different tolerance for pain; along with different levels of what they are comfortable with. To communicate these limits and desires people commonly use “safe words” and hand gestures.
Why should I use a safe word?
The safety of your partner(s) and yourself should be the main priority during any scene; what might be easy for you to handle may not be the same for your partner(s). Using safe words allows the participants to communicate their needs efficiently and quickly.
What should my safe word be?
This is completely up to you and your partner(s) to decide and should be discussed thoroughly before partaking in any type of play. There is no limit to the amount of safe words you can use, but remember to keep things simple between you and your partner(s). A safe word should me short, easily identifiable, and easy to remember.
The most common and universal safewords use the "traffic light" method:
| Green: All good; we may continue with the scene. |
But, some choose to use food or counties ex: “banana”, “pineapple”, “carrot”. “Africa”, “Canada”, “Mexico”. There is also nothing wrong with simple safewords like "ow" or "stop", either.
If you are at a public event or play space “Safeword” can be used to signal that outside assistance is needed. It communicates to others that you have attempted to communicate a safeword/safesign to your partner and it is not being honored.
Hand Signaling
A lot of the time during a scene one may find themselves gagged or unable to speak. A common replacement of safe words are hand gestures or signaling! This can be anything from a peace sign to a snapping noise made with your fingers. Just like the safe words you can choose any hand jester that works best for you and your partner(s).
Also called safesigns, these non-verbal signals that are used to communicate with partners during any kind of sexy fun time that the activity needs stop, may be too intense or that a check-in is needed. (Safewords are not just for submissives or bottoms; dominants and tops need safewords too.)
Play spaces can be loud, so putting a safesign in place gives you more options for communicating with the people you play with. Nonverbal signs are an imperative if someone in the scene is to be gagged or if someone in the scene is hearing impaired.
The most common non-verbal hand signals are:
(Aside: My partner and I use the above safesign for everyday life. It’s how I let them know that it’s time to leave unending family gatherings or social events where I don’t feel safe in a given situation. One long, firm hand squeeze means “I’m okay.” Two quick hands squeezes mean “We need to talk.” Three means "We need to go. Now.")
Another common safe action is touching your thumb to your index finger like a pincer. If you don’t have your hands available to you, bringing a knee to your chest is also a common sign.
“Drop Out”
If you or your partner do not have the dexterity or are not in a position to squeeze you can give the bottom something to hold. When the bottom drops the item, it is time for a direct check-in. Keys, stress balls and even bandanas can make good “drop out” items.
How do I talk about safe words with my partner(s)?
There should never be any shame in admitting to have a limit during a scene, your safety is #1 priority! When approaching a partner about the subject feel free to express any concerns or feelings about your limits; be sure to describe what can and can’t be pushed. If your partner(s) come to you to talk about safe words always listen with a open mind and understand their limits.
Most of the time there are 3 main conversations that any participants should have beforehand.
Best Practices
