kink with a partner

telling a partner

• Pick a calm time. Not during sex, not after a fight and not when one of you is drunk or rushing out. A walk or a quiet evening works well.
• Start with the relationship. Let them know this is about wanting more closeness with them, not about something missing.
• Start small. Share one thing you're curious about, not your whole list at once.
• Explain what it means to you. "I love feeling held down" says more than a kink name they may not know.
• Invite questions, and answer them honestly. Point them to pages like this one if they want to read.
• Give them time. They don't need to answer straight away.

sample scripts

A yes/no/maybe list can also help. You each fill one in separately and compare. Our negotiation & limits checklist works well for this.

taking a "no" well

Your partner has every right to say no, or not yet. How you respond matters as much as how you asked.

• Thank them for listening. Hearing something new about a partner can be a lot.
• Don't push, sulk or keep asking. Pressure turns a fair request into coercion.
• Ask what feels okay. A "no" to one thing may come with a "yes" to something nearby.
• Feel your feelings. Disappointment is normal. Talk it through with a friend or a therapist.
• Leave the door open without making it a deadline. People's interests often change with time and trust.

kinky & vanilla partners

Plenty of couples have one kinky partner and one who isn't, and they make it work. It takes honesty about what you each need.

open relationships

Ethical non-monogamy means having more than one sexual, romantic or play relationship, with everyone's knowledge and agreement. It has a long history in gay and leather communities. Common types include:

• Open relationships: a couple who can have sex or play with others.
• Polyamory: more than one loving or romantic relationship at once.
• Monogamish: mostly monogamous, with agreed exceptions, like play at events.
• Leather families and households: dynamics involving several people, often with structure and protocol.

Good agreements cover who, what, where, safer sex, and what you'll tell each other. Write them down and review them often. Our relationships dictionary explains more of the words. Our contracts & check-ins page shows how, and our sexual health page covers testing and PrEP.

jealousy & compersion

Jealousy is a normal feeling, not proof that something's wrong. It often points to a fear or need, like feeling left out or wanting reassurance.

• Name it out loud, without blame: "I'm feeling jealous, and I think I need some time with you."
• Ask what would help, like a check-in, a date night or a slower pace.
• Go slowly at the start, and pause if one of you isn't coping.

Compersion is the opposite feeling: joy in your partner's happiness with someone else. Not everyone feels it, and you don't have to.

red flags

• Pushing for an open relationship you don't want, or breaking agreements and calling it your fault.
• Using a D/s dynamic to control your money, friends or phone outside agreed play.
• Threatening to out you, or to share images of you.

If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Our support & crisis lines page has LGBTQIA+ services that can help, and our meeting people safely page covers the same warning signs in new partners.