meeting people safely

vetting someone

• Talk before you meet. A video call is quick and confirms that someone is who their photos say, and it shows how they handle questions.
• Check them out. Look for the same name and photos on other profiles, and run a reverse image search if something feels off. Ask around your local scene.
• Ask for references. Experienced players often have people who've played with them and will vouch for them. Someone who refuses outright is telling you something.
• Meet somewhere public first, like a coffee, a munch or a bar, before anything private. Get yourself there and home again.
• Keep your address private until you trust them.
• Watch how they talk about limits. Pushing past a no, dismissing safewords or rushing to play are the same red flags that matter in negotiation.

safe calls

A safe call is a friend who knows where you are and expects to hear from you. Before you meet someone new, send your friend:

• their name, or the name they use, and a photo
• their profile link and phone number
• where you're going: the address, not just the area
• when you'll check in, and when you'll be done
• a code word or emoji that means "I'm not okay"
• what your friend should do if you miss a check-in

Check in when you arrive, again partway through if it's a long scene, and when you're home. Tell the person you're meeting that you have a safe call. Anyone worth playing with will respect it.

online safety

• Keep your face, tattoos and anything identifying out of photos until you trust someone. Many phones also store your location inside photos, so check your settings before you send.
• Be wary of anyone who moves the chat off the app very quickly, asks for money, or pushes for explicit photos early on.
• If someone threatens to share images of you, you're not alone, and it isn't your fault. Don't pay. Our support page has a section on sextortion and blackmail.

your first munch

A munch is a casual social meetup for kinky people, usually at a restaurant, café or bar. Nobody plays, nobody dresses up, and it's the easiest way to meet your local scene.

• Dress normally. Munches happen in public, around people who aren't part of the scene.
• Use the name people give you. Many use a scene name. Never share someone's real name or say you saw them there. Outing people can cost them jobs and families.
• Don't assume someone's role, and don't treat a submissive as everyone's submissive. Kink roles are agreed between particular people.
• It's not a hookup. Chat, listen, and come back again. Trust gets built over a few visits.
• No photos of anyone, ever, without asking.

play parties & dungeons

• Read the house rules before you go. Every space has its own rules on dress code, sex, alcohol and which areas are for what.
• Ask before touching anyone or anything, including another person's gear or toys. Being at a party isn't consent.
• Watching is welcome, interrupting isn't. Give scenes space, keep your voice down, don't comment, and never step into someone else's scene. If you're worried about a scene, tell a dungeon monitor.
• Dungeon monitors (DMs) keep everyone safe. Their call is final. Go to them if something goes wrong.
• Clean up after yourself. Wipe down equipment after you use it. Most spaces supply disinfectant and towels.
• Stay sober enough to play, and know your way to the exit.
• No phones in play areas and no photos, unless the space allows them and everyone in the shot has agreed.

leather bar etiquette

• Check the dress code. Some bars and nights enforce leather, rubber, uniform or gear only, and a coat check is often available. When in doubt, jeans, boots and a black shirt or harness are welcome almost everywhere.
• Don't touch someone's gear, and especially not their cover (a leather cap), their collar or their vest, without asking. For many people these are earned, and they matter.
• Collars mean something. If someone is collared, it's polite to ask their owner or partner before playing or flirting heavily.
• Learn the signals. Keys and coloured hankies say what someone is into, and which side tells you top or bottom. See our hanky code.
• Cruising is fine, and "no thanks" is final. Eye contact and a nod start most things. Walking away ends them, with no follow-up.
• Respect the space. Tip the bartender, follow the back-room rules, and keep phones away.
• Titleholders and elders are often happy to answer questions. Many of them started out exactly where you are.