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Guide To Finding a Dominant Safely

September 19, 2026

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON. Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive trying to sort through tops claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my friends still searching for a Dominant partner. 

Step One: Do the Math

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) sexual Dominants to sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented website or chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one Dom for every ten subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that anyone you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!” Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop them. Don’t give them ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance they were legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

Step Two: Know Your Enemy

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if they turn out to be a more or less nice person, if they are not a Dom, they not going to give you what you really need, and they will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

The Snert

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply ‘easy lays.’ Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men and women. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won’t make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

The HNG (Horny Net Geek)

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about there D/s jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end learning the ‘lingo.’ The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

Control Freaks

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These people can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these people because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be ‘quite right.’ While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their ‘hooks’ into you its very hard to get untangled.

Rapists and Predators

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the people most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil people it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from the male version of this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable. To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in’s and out’s of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with them (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.’

Step 3: Know your goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do’s and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ASS that’s (literally) on the line here. Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you! Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find them. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; they don't exist. ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems generally ‘nice’ you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know them. Don’t let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn’t likely to make demands until its time to play.

Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!

Step 5: It’s not just the Doms you have to screen!

Finding submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the partners you meet. The benefits of teaming up with others in your search should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear from others online as well.  Be very cautious about those you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of "sub" HNG’s who live there D/s lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “fellow sub enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim. A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of their tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! They are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real D/s.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than any of the enemy types. Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. An abuse victim can only save themselves, and then only when they are ready to do so. If you let them vent their frustrations and fears on you, they will then go back to their familiar little hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can’t, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

It's a lot.

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real life D/s? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Sourcerer! Any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

GLOSSARY

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Domination, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” 

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal. D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant. A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate sexual encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a female sexual Dominant. See also Dom.

HNG - internet slang acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” 

Limit - something that either partner in a D/s relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning D/s play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing.

Safe Word - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to setting up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do this!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli.

Sexual Sadist- a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it pleasurable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive. A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate sexual situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage, and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to D/s. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of D/s. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to sexual Dominance and submission.

Victim - a victim of abuse that uses D/s to “legitimize” her tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real life player in D/s. Most often used in reference to females that pretend to be sexual submissives.

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