when your child comes out

first, take a breath

Coming out to a parent is one of the scariest things a person can do. Many people rehearse it for months or years. If your child told you, it means they trust you and want you in their life as their real self. That's something to be proud of, even if right now you feel anything but.

You don't need to have the right words, the right feelings, or any answers yet. In the first moments, three things matter most:

1. Tell them you love them. Out loud, and more than once. It's the thing they're most afraid of losing.
2. Thank them for telling you. "Thank you for trusting me" works whether you feel calm or shaken.
3. Ask what they need. "Who else knows? Is there anything you need from me right now?" lets them lead.

If you need time, it's okay to say so: "I love you. I need a little time to take this in, and I want to keep talking." Time to think is fine. Silence that lasts for days can feel like rejection, so come back to the conversation soon.

the grief is real

Many parents are surprised to find themselves grieving, and then feel guilty about it, because nobody has died. Your child is right here. Therapists have a name for this: ambiguous loss, a term coined by family researcher Pauline Boss. It's a loss with no clear ending and no funeral, where the person is still present but something you expected has changed.

What you might be grieving isn't your child. It's the future you'd pictured for them: a certain kind of wedding, grandchildren, a name you chose, the way you imagined them at 30. With a trans child, the grief can also attach to a name, pronouns, old photos, or the words "son" or "daughter".

• Grieving is not the same as rejecting. You can grieve the picture in your head and still fully love and accept the person in front of you.
• Not every parent feels it. Research with parents of trans young people found that some feel ambiguous loss and some don't. Neither means you're doing it wrong.
• It isn't a straight line. Grief can come back at birthdays, holidays or a family wedding, long after you thought you'd settled it.
• Much of what you're mourning isn't actually lost. Gay, lesbian, bi and trans people fall in love, marry, have and adopt children, and build full, happy lives. The future is different from the one you imagined. It isn't empty.
• Your child is the same person. Their humour, their kindness, the way they laugh: none of that has changed. You now know them better than you did.

common feelings & worries

looking after yourself

Your feelings deserve care, and the right place to work through them is with other adults, not with your child. One simple rule, sometimes called ring theory: comfort in, dump out. Your child is in the middle of this. Offer them comfort. Take your fear, sadness and questions outwards, to a partner, friend, counsellor or support group.

• Talk to other parents. Nothing helps quite like hearing "I felt exactly that, and we're closer than ever now" from someone who's been there. PFLAG and similar groups exist for this (see support for parents below).
• See a counsellor if you need to. Look for one who is LGBTQ+-affirming. Be wary of anyone who offers to change your child or treats who they are as a problem to fix.
• Learn, at your own pace. Reading reliable information (not comment sections) answers a lot of fears. Our coming out and trans & nonbinary basics pages are good places to start.
• Write it down. A journal is a safe place for the thoughts you don't want to say out loud. Some parents write a letter to the child they pictured, and then one to the child they have.
• Give it time. Most parents say the hardest part came early. Feelings soften with time, information and contact with other families.
• Look after the basics. Sleep, food, fresh air and people who make you laugh. Grief is tiring.
• Remember your other children. Siblings may have their own questions and feelings, or have known for a while. Check in with them too.

what to say

You don't need a speech. Short, warm and honest is best. Some words that help:

• "I love you. Nothing about that changes."
• "Thank you for telling me. I know that took courage."
• "How long have you known? What's it been like carrying this?"
• "Who else knows? Who would you like me to tell, or not tell?"
• "I don't know much about this yet, but I want to learn."
• "What name and pronouns would you like me to use?" (if they've shared a new name or pronouns)
• "I'm going to get some things wrong. Please tell me when I do."
• "Is anyone giving you a hard time? You can always come to me."
• "I'm proud of you."

Then listen more than you talk. Let silences happen. Ask open questions, and accept "I don't know yet" as an answer.

what not to say

Most hurtful things parents say come from fear, not hate. They still land hard, and children remember them for years. Try to avoid:

• "Are you sure?" or "It's just a phase." It tells them you don't believe them. Most people have thought about it for a long time before saying anything.
• "Where did I go wrong?" or "What did I do?" It makes their identity a failure and puts your feelings in the middle.
• "Don't tell anyone" or "Don't tell your grandparents." It teaches shame. Instead, plan together who to tell and when.
• "I'm fine with it, I just don't want to see it." Straight siblings get to bring partners home and hold hands. Ask whether you'd say the same to them.
• "You'll always be my son" (to a daughter), or using their old name on purpose. Deliberately misgendering a trans child tells them you've rejected who they are.
• "This is so hard for me." It probably is, and that's real. Say it to a friend or counsellor, not to your child.
• "I still love you, but..." Anything after "but" is what they'll hear.
• "Is this because of your friends / the internet / that teacher?" People aren't talked into being gay or trans. It suggests they can't know their own mind.
• Jokes about it, even kind ones, until you know they're welcome.

If you've already said some of these, you're not alone, and it's not too late. See if it went badly.

putting your child first

How a family responds makes a measurable difference. The Family Acceptance Project found that lesbian, gay and bisexual young people from highly rejecting families were more than 8 times as likely to attempt suicide as those whose families showed little or no rejection. In The Trevor Project's 2022 national survey, LGBTQ young people who felt high support from their family reported attempting suicide at less than half the rate of those with low or moderate support. Small, everyday acceptance protects lives.

things that help

• Let them control who knows. Never out your child to relatives, school, church or friends without their say-so. It's their news to share. Outing someone can put them in danger.
• Use their name and pronouns, including when they're not in the room. Practise in private if it helps.
• Welcome their friends and partners the way you would anyone else's.
• Stand up for them when relatives, teachers or others are unkind. Your child needs to see you on their side.
• Connect them with community. LGBTQ+ youth groups, a school club, or an LGBTQ+ adult you both trust can be a lifeline. See our finding community page.
• Keep doing normal things together. Coming out doesn't have to become the only topic. Movie night still matters.
• Keep them safe at home. Family rejection is one of the main reasons LGBTQ+ young people become homeless. Whatever you're feeling, keep your child housed, fed and safe.

things that harm

• "Conversion therapy" or any attempt, religious or otherwise, to change your child's sexual orientation or gender identity. It doesn't work, and major medical and mental health bodies, including the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics, warn that it is harmful. It's banned or restricted in many countries and states.
• Banning LGBTQ+ friends, groups or information, or taking away their phone to cut them off from support.
• Blaming them when other people treat them badly.
• Threatening to throw them out, or making love and money conditional on them changing.

if your child is an adult

The same things apply. Adult children often come out after they've built a life of their own, and they may be waiting to see whether you'll be part of it. Ask about their partner, invite them both, and let them tell you what they'd like from you.

if your child is trans or nonbinary

Learning that your child is trans or nonbinary can raise extra questions about names, bodies, school and medical care. Take them one at a time. You don't have to decide everything today.

• Start with what's easy and reversible. A name, pronouns, a haircut or clothes are social steps you can try straight away. They cost nothing and tell your child you're listening.
• Mistakes happen. If you get a name or pronoun wrong, correct yourself briefly ("sorry, she"), and move on. A long apology makes it about you.
• Old photos and the old name. Ask your child how they feel about them. Some are happy for baby photos to stay up; others aren't. Keep them somewhere safe rather than throwing them away.
• Medical questions are for qualified, trans-affirming clinicians, at your child's pace. Laws on medical care for trans young people differ between countries and states, and they're changing, so check current rules where you live and get information from specialist services rather than social media.
• School. Ask your child before speaking to the school, then work with staff on their name, records, toilets and changing rooms, and bullying.
• Get support from families who've been there. Groups for parents of trans and nonbinary children are listed below.

if it went badly

Maybe you shouted, cried, said something cruel, or said nothing at all. Many loving parents react badly at first and regret it. It's almost never too late to repair it.

1. Apologise, simply. "When you told me, I said things that hurt you. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I love you." Don't explain or justify.
2. Show it, not just say it. Use their name and pronouns, ask about their life, invite their partner.
3. Be patient. Trust takes time to rebuild. If they need distance for a while, respect that and keep the door open.
4. Get help with it. A family therapist who is LGBTQ+-affirming can help you both talk safely.

warning signs & crisis lines

LGBTQ+ young people face higher rates of depression and suicidal thoughts, mostly because of how others treat them. Watch for withdrawal from friends and family, giving things away, talking about being a burden or not being around, self-harm, big changes in sleep or eating, or sudden calm after a hard time. If you're worried, ask directly: "Are you thinking about suicide?" Asking doesn't put the idea in their head, and it often brings relief.

If your child is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

• The Trevor Project (US)Free, confidential 24/7 crisis support for LGBTQ+ young people. Call 1-866-488-7386, text START to 678-678, or chat online.
• Trans Lifeline (US & Canada)Peer support run by and for trans people, for your child rather than for parents. US (877) 565-8860, Canada (877) 330-6366. Open weekdays, 1 to 9 pm Eastern. It doesn't call emergency services without the caller's consent.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US)Call or text 988, for anyone, including parents in distress. Its separate LGBTQ+ youth option ("press 3") was ended in July 2025, so LGBTQ+ young people may prefer The Trevor Project.
• Samaritans (UK & Ireland)Free, 24/7, for anyone who is struggling. Call 116 123.
• Support & crisis lines worldwideOur list of crisis lines and LGBTQIA+ services in 110 countries.

support for parents

You don't have to do this alone. These groups were mostly started by parents, for parents.

worldwide & online

• PFLAG Connects: CommunitiesFree, moderated monthly online groups run by PFLAG National, including groups for parents of gender-diverse children, dads, grandparents, military families, and Latino, Black and AAPI families. No membership needed.
• Family Acceptance ProjectResearch-based family education booklets, videos and posters, many in several languages, showing how family acceptance protects LGBTQ young people.

north america

• PFLAGThe largest US organisation for LGBTQ+ people and those who love them, founded by a mother in 1973.
• Find a PFLAG chapterLocal in-person and virtual parent support meetings across the US.
• PFLAG: Our ChildrenA free downloadable guide for families of a child who has come out, with practical tips and parents' stories.
• PFLAG: Our Trans Loved OnesA free downloadable guide for families of trans and gender-expansive people.
• Gender SpectrumOnline support groups for parents, fathers, grandparents and BIPOC caregivers of transgender, nonbinary and gender-questioning young people.
• pflag CanadaFounded by parents, with local chapters and peer support for families across Canada.

europe

• FFLAG (UK)A national charity for families of LGBT+ people, with a confidential helpline (0300 688 0368), email support, and online and local parent groups.
• Mermaids (UK)Supports trans and gender-diverse young people and their families, with a helpline (0808 801 0400), web chat and a parents' forum.
• Chrysallis (Spain)A Spanish association of families of trans children and teenagers.

oceania

• PFLAG+ AustraliaVolunteer-led peer support groups for parents, carers and friends of LGBTQIA+ people.

More parent groups in Latin America and elsewhere are on our family, faith & culture page. In countries where same-sex relations are criminalised, be careful about what you search for and share, and see our know your rights page.