kink or abuse?

the difference

A good scene can still go wrong by accident. A partner who stops, checks in, owns the mistake and changes things is behaving very differently from one who blames you or does it again.

red flags

• refuses to negotiate, or says "a true sub has no limits"
• pushes you to drop your safeword
• won't let you check references or tell a friend
• uses drink or drugs to get past your limits
• keeps you away from munches and other kinksters
• threatens to out you, or shares photos without agreement
• punishment that's about their anger, not your agreement
• control over money, housing, phone or medication you never agreed to

Many of these are covered in our meeting people safely and negotiation guides. Threats to out someone or share images are also covered on your rights.

after a consent violation

• Get somewhere safe, and if you can, be with someone you trust.
• Get medical care if you need it. If there was a risk of HIV, PEP works best within 24 hours and must be started within 72 hours. A sexual assault centre can also collect evidence, which you can decide about later.
• Write down what happened while you remember it: dates, messages, names of witnesses. Save chats and screenshots somewhere safe. You don't have to decide yet what you'll do with them.
• It isn't your fault, even if you agreed to some things, were drinking, or have played with them before. Agreeing to one thing is not agreeing to everything.
• Drop can make it feel worse. Be gentle with yourself for a few days, and see our drop page.

reporting

You choose who to tell, if anyone. Options include:

• The event or club. Good organisers have a consent policy, a named consent or safety lead, and can ban someone from future events. Ask for their policy if you can't find it.
• The app or site. FetLife, Recon, Grindr and others have report buttons. Reports matter even when nothing seems to happen.
• The police. Anything done after consent is withdrawn, or beyond what was agreed, can be a crime, even in a kink setting. Some police are better than others with LGBTQ+ and kinky victims; an LGBTQ+ anti-violence service can go with you or advise you.
• NCSF incident reporting. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom collects reports of consent violations and discrimination, and helps groups write consent policies.

supporting a friend

• Believe them, and say so: "I believe you. It's not your fault."
• Let them choose what happens next. Don't post about it or confront the person without their agreement.
• Help with practical things: a lift to a clinic, somewhere to stay, someone to sit with.
• Look after yourself too. Hearing it can be hard, especially if you know the other person.

if you crossed a line

If someone tells you that you went past what they agreed to, listen without arguing. Stop playing with them unless and until they want to. Apologise without excuses, and think about what you'd change. Accountability is how the community keeps people safe, and a kink-aware therapist can help if you want to understand what happened.

where to get help

• NCSF incident reportingReport a consent violation, assault or discrimination to the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. They also publish guides on dealing with consent incidents for groups.
• The Network/La RedA US survivor-led organisation for LGBTQ+, poly and kink people facing partner abuse, with a hotline and resources on BDSM and abuse.
• GalopThe UK's LGBT+ anti-abuse charity, with helplines for domestic abuse, sexual violence and hate crime.
• RAINNThe US national sexual assault hotline, by phone or online chat.
• Our support & crisis linesSexual assault and consent services, and crisis lines, in 110 countries.